Lemmy Alive and Well, Living in Papa New Guinea
We’ve all heard about Elvis sightings or fantastic tales about Jim Morrison wanting to get out of the music business and so he started a new life somewhere in obscurity. Those stories are pure fiction. So when rumors began swirling along Hollywood’s famed Sunset Strip about Lemmy masterminding a great escape, I laughed my ass off.
But laughter soon turned to skepticism when I found myself reading an interview in the August 2018 issue of Hit Parader magazine in which Ozzy Ozbourne stated that Lemmy had called to congratulate him on the announcement of his rescheduled tour dates. This triggered my alarm bells because this announcement was made in October of 2018 — Nearly 3 years after Lemmy’s supposed passing, although Ozzy later corrected himself. In Ozzy’s own words “I misspoke [unintelligible]. That w-w-w-was just my meds talking. It was actually… uhhhh…. [unintelligible] David Bowie called me.” While this sounds plausible I still remained suspicious. I was even beginning to hear whispers at the Rainbow Bar & Grill among off duty strippers about Lemmy emailing them naked pictures of himself in body paint. Yes it sounds absurd but stay with me…
The facts simply didn’t add up:
How the hell is Jack Daniels still in business if Lemmy is dead?
Everyone has been baffled over how Jack Daniels continues to remain in business without Lemmy as a customer. Wall Street analysts predicted the demise of the Jack Daniels brand within 30 days of Lemmy’s passing. According to Warren Buffet “You can’t lose 70% of your business and expect to continue. They should have declared bankruptcy by now and the stock delisted from the NASDAQ.” In fact, in each quarter since Lemmy’s supposed passing, financial reports have shown no decline in sales. None. If Lemmy actually died then who picked up the 70% slack in sales? Nobody can or ever will drink as much Jack Daniels as Lemmy. Nobody!
Lemmy was regarded as indestructible. Lemmy consumed colossal amounts of Jack Daniels, just to catch a light buzz. It took a toll on his organs, but never on Lemmy himself. Even after undergoing a double kidneysectomy, Lemmy marched on as if he was actually liberated, and no longer hampered by the crutch of failing organs. After his surgery, a team of doctors and scientists conducted exhaustive tests to evaluate Lemmy’s life expectancy. While most Western world humans live to about age 80 and some have lived to 122, the team concluded that Lemmy is more machine-like than human. Therefore his actuarial life expectancy was listed as “infinite” and that his demise would “likely only come as the result of some sort of blunt force trauma such as an explosion greater than nuclear”.
The smoking gun: The Rainbow Bar & Grill video game was mysteriously never returned.
In all of his years of hanging out at the Rainbow Ba & Grill, Lemmy never interacted with anybody ever. His attention was always focused on a video game that sat on the end of the outside bar. So when Lemmy “become ill” the good folks at the Rainbow were kind enough to loan the game to Lemmy to play during his “last days of life”. But after Lemmy supposedly passed away, it was never returned to the the bar. In short order it was replaced by a new game and nobody said a word. Can you say cover up?
Fortunately the case of the missing video game did not go unnoticed. Demitry Popolov, an expert in networking, heard about the missing game and became suspicious. He managed to obtain the IP address of the video game from the manufacturer. He was then able to track the location of the device to of all places… the remote jungles of Papa New Guinea.
Such inhabitants of this area include the Chimbu tribe where its people dance in skeleton paint.
Wearing skeleton paint is a metal thing to do. Metal heads like Buckethead wear black and white face paint. It all started to make sense why Lemmy would choose this location to start a new life.
And so now that we know where he is, only one question remains…
Folks in the metal community theorize that Lemmy could no longer live with the embarrassment of having co-authored Ozzy Osbourne’s cheesy pop song “Mama, I’m Coming Home”. Sure the royalty checks were nice, but the shame must have been unbearable.
Ancient alien theorist Giorgio A. Tsoukalos has a hypothesis of his own. He explains that nothing is higher than God status. According to Tsoukalos, “Lemmy attained God status in the Western civilized world. But where can you go from there if you need that extra push over the cliff? Where can you go? Nowhere! That’s why I believe that Lemmy set out to attain a new God status with the Chimbu tribe, and perhaps establish a communication channel with extra terrestrials in order to attain immortality.”